So here it is folks – a quick and dirty list of what to do to completely drive your tour guide crazy. In no particular order, all of these have happened to me, sometimes a few times a day, other times it was just enough to make me shake my head and slowly lose a little faith in humanity!
Without further ado, I give you – the “How to drive your tour guide crazy” list:
1) Tell your guide they’ve got the best job in the world and ask how they got it. While I understand that this is a good Icebreaker question, I would say that on average we get asked this one about 10 – 15 times per day. Its the equivalent of asking a hairdresser how long they’ve been cutting hair for.
2) After a service stop, just as everyone is re-boarding the bus, make sure you ask if you have time to use the toilet. This one is a particularly good one to ask if we’ve already had a 40minute break in which toilets could have been used. Be sure to ask once the driver has started the engine and most people are already aboard.
3) Always be at least a minimum of 4 minutes late. To everything. Every time. Whether it is boarding the coach in the morning, getting back on at a service stop (read point 2) or meeting for the nights dinner or walk.
4) Complain about ‘first world problems’ – seriously, this one will drive your tour guide batty. One of the best things to complain about? Wifi. Oh, and the weather.Complain about the exhaust fan in the bathroom not working, complain that its too cold at the back of the coach when its 40deg outside, complain that the ATM swallowed your card…
5) Lose your passport. 3 times. Even better if it is at the border when you realise you’ve lost it and AFTER the guide made sure everyone had their passports before leaving that morning.
6) Ask what time we’re meeting at reception – make sure to do this straight after your guide has told everyone and you were distracted by your phone or were talking to your partner.
7) Ask “How do I say SPAGHETTI in Italian?”
8) Leave your luggage unattended on the street or turn your back on it for “just a moment” after guide has warned you to watch out for “Old Mate”, then complain loudly and bitterly when its stollen.
9) Complain loudly about a poor Albanian man that earns less that €2000 per year and who is squatting in a disused army bunker that he should have more “pride in his homes appearance”
10) Argue with a cab driver in Serbia over the equivalent of 50cents, then complain that “its the principle…”
11) Complain about your hunger, and then once at a restaurant reject every meal with the proclamation “I’m a vegan”
12) “I can’t access Facebook”….. argh!
13) “what statue is that?”, “what church is that?” “whats the name of that mountain?” your guide is an oracle and will know every landmark, building & statue in every city you go to.
14) tell your guide that the companies tour itinerary is poorly written and the grammar is incorrect then proceed to rewrite it.
15) Get LOST after repeated directions, whilst holding a MAP and with access to wifi
16) Immediately blame a mild illness or stomach complaint on “Food Poisoning” – it wouldn’t have anything to do with swimming in that river beyond the medieval town that has an ancient sewerage system we warned you about.
I’m sure any current and former guides reading this will relate! If you’ve have experienced that quiet inner rage, tell me about it in the comments!